The Michael Bay Retrospective Series - Transfomers (2007)

Written In October 2013

Well folks, we’ve come to another big one, this and the next two films have single handled shaped the popular perception of Michael Bay as a director. The Transformers films are what have truly cemented into craptastic overblown CG eyesore festivities of big dumb action entertainment. But what people aren’t aware of, is that Bay wasn’t even interested in the project, and was asked onto by none other than the film’s executive producer, classic filmmaker Steven Spielberg. Spielberg himself was a lifelong fan of the Transformers comics and toys, was very keen on getting this film made. The original idea behind the initial script was “A boy and his car” which led to many great things such as entering adulthood and gaining more responsibility, these things go hand in hand with your first car, after all, what’s a greater symbol of freedom in American culture than a car? This was an idea encouraged by Spielberg that could’ve led to a very great movie… Upon entering the production, Bay threw out this draft calling it “Too kiddie.” and subsequently beefed up the existing role of the military in the film to make it feel more adult. You can already tell something that Bay and Spielberg should’ve already realized; the ideas of these two filmmakers are too different. Spielberg’s films have always had a heart to them, he makes you care deeply for them. Characters before story, story before action. That’s how Spielberg does it. Michael Bay, love him or hate him, is all about excitement. His style is all about, as the great Doug Walker once put it, “appealing to testosterone fueled man-penis!” While Spielberg makes films for families to enjoy. This are two aesthetics that simply do not work together… But surprisingly, they kind of did, with a 57% on Rotten Tomatoes, this Michael Bay’s second most critically well received film. So, seeing as how this film marks a collaboration, I thought it might be neat to do a collaboration of my own with my friend Arye, a fellow Transformers fan. But before this, let’s get to the plot summary.

Plot Summary Taken from Wikipedia:

Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, narrates the collapse of the Transformers’ home world, Cybertron. It was destroyed by war between the Autobots and the Decepticons. Led by Megatron, the Decepticons were searching for the AllSpark so they could use it to take over the universe. The Autobots want to find the AllSpark so they can use it to rebuild Cybertron and end the war. Megatron managed to locate the AllSpark on Earth, but crash-landed in the Arctic Circle and froze in the ice. After stumbling upon his frozen body in 1897, explorer Captain Archibald Witwickyaccidentally activated Megatron’s navigational system and his eye glasses were imprinted with the coordinates of the AllSpark’s location, an incident that left him blind and mentally unstable. Sector 7, a secret government organization created by President Herbert Hoover, discovered the AllSpark in the Colorado River and built the Hoover Dam around it to mask its energy emissions. The still-frozen Megatron was moved into this facility and was used to advance human technology through reverse engineering.

In the present day, the Decepticon known as Blackout attacks a U.S. military base in Qatar in order to find the location of Megatron and the AllSpark. He tries to hack into the files of the computer base, but is stopped when the base commander cuts the computer hard lines. Captain William Lennox and his team manage to escape from the base and search for help. Back in the United States, Captain Witwicky’s descendant Sam Witwicky buys his first car, which turns out to be the Autobot scout Bumblebee, who tries to help him woo his crush Mikaela Banes. Later, Sam catches a glimpse of Bumblebee’s true form when he signals the other Autobots.

On Air Force One, another Decepticon named Frenzy infiltrates the plane and tries to hack into the network again, only this time is more successful until he is stopped by the US Security Defense before he can retrieve all of the file information. Frenzy is then picked up by his partner Barricade and they go after Sam after learning he has the glasses needed to find the AllSpark. Sam is rescued by Bumblebee and Mikaela also learns of the Transformers’ existence. Bumblebee fights Barricade and manages to subdue him while Sam and Mikaela decapitate Frenzy, although he still survives and disguises himself as Mikaela’s phone.

Meanwhile, Scorponok, who was sent by Blackout, goes after Captain Lennox and his team, murdering one of them and injuring another. During the battle, Scorponok is forced to retreat when he gets injured by sabot rounds fired on him by the Air Force. Lennox and his team are then returned to the United States and report their findings on the Decepticons to the Pentagon.

Sam and Mikaela soon meet Optimus Prime and his other Autobot partners Jazz, Ironhide, and Ratchet. They explain their origins to the two humans and insist on the urgency to get to the Allspark first before the Decepticons, knowing that the Decepticons plan to use it to turn all of Earth’s technologies into a new army of Transformers and render humanity extinct. The Autobots bring the two humans back to Sam’s house to find the glasses, and they nearly reveal their existence to Sam’s parents by accident. However, Sector 7 agent Seymour Simmons and his team find Sam and take his family away to a classified location after learning Sam came into contact with the Autobots. Optimus and the Autobots try to rescue Sam and Mikaela, however they fail and Bumblebee ends up getting captured along with Sam and Mikaela. The Autobots, however, retrieve the glasses and use them to find the AllSpark’s location so they can destroy it before the Decepticons use it. Sam and Mikaela are taken to Hoover Dam, along with two hackers named Maggie and Glenn, who were arrested by the FBI for trying to decipher the information Frenzy stole while working in the Pentagon.

Frenzy, who was transported to the dam while in disguise, finds the AllSpark and contacts the other Decepticons, Starscream, Bonecrusher, Brawl, Barricade, and Blackout. Starscream attacks the dam and Frenzy frees Megatron from his frozen prison, where he joins his cohorts into chasing down Sam and the Autobots. Bumblebee shrinks the cube to a reasonable size so they can escape with it. They then arrive at Mission City, where a large battle ensues. Working together, the Autobots and human soldiers defeat Bonecrusher, Blackout and Brawl. However, Bumblebee is crippled and Jazz is killed by Megatron. When Megatron begins to gain the upper hand in the fight, Optimus urges Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, which will destroy them both. Instead, Sam instead inserts the cube into Megatron’s chest, which kills him and destroys the AllSpark.

In the aftermath, the dead Transformer bodies are dumped into the Laurentian Abyss in the Atlantic Ocean to be hidden, the government orders the closure of Sector 7, and the Witwicky family is released from custody. Sam and Mikaela soon start a new relationship and Optimus says that the Autobots’ fates have given them a new home, Earth, and sends a message calling out all surviving Autobots to join them. In a mid-credits scene, Starscream escapes into space.

Coty: So my experience with Transformers prior to these films was primarily what’s called the Unicron Trilogy, 3 separate cartoons which formed a loose trilogy long story arc, which ran from about 2002 to about 2007. I have no real experience with the original shows but I did catch bits and pieces of Beast Wars and Robots in Disguise.

Arye: I had a different sort of experience. I grew up, literally, SURROUNDED by Transformers. My uncle had the first animated movie on DVD; I’d play with his action figures (at least the ones that weren’t collectible!), and have distinct memories of waking up early to watch Cybertron. These bots are pretty much my childhood, so my expectations of the movies were super high.

Coty: I remember enjoying this movie when I saw it, but never really thinking much of it there after, I’m pretty sure I liked the second one more just for the fact that I didn’t remember much about it. My big movie for ‘07 was Spider-Man 3.

Arye: I liked these movies, all of them. Actually, I STILL like these movies, even with their glaring inaccuracies and….well, Sam. I think that I liked the second one more, and, honestly, it’s a lot more memorable for me than Spidey 3.

Coty: I think that may just be I have more fandom for Spider-Man and I was really hyped for that movie. But in any case, behind The Rock, this is Michael Bay’s most well received film, and caries a 57% on Rotten Tomatoes. I personally find that even with my appreciation for Transformers this is not a better film than some of Bay’s other efforts. It has too things going on in it, and I find the film’s sense of humor very grating.

Arye: I don’t mind the humor (mostly), but have other issues with this movie, and most of them are named Sam. Of course the ridiculous number of subplots going also grate at my sense of elegance in storytelling, but I think that a strong lead does wonders for a movie. Unfortunately, this isn’t a movie that had one, but it had the POTENTIAL for one in Makayla, who I found just all around more interesting and less irritating.

Coty: I agree, I find Megan Fox to be quite a credible actress honestly, nobody in this cast is gonna win an Oscar for best performance, but she’s nowhere near as awful as people say.

Arye: Personally, I think that there’s a tendency to be like “Oh, that’s Megan Fox. She’s just eye-candy,” but she honestly plays a pretty great badass chick. That might boil down to how she is in real life or just generally characters she relates to, but it’s a definite Thing, and I appreciate that about her.

Coty: Also, I find Sam to be an incredibly grating presence ranging from his guilting his teacher and trying to sell antique family heirlooms to making an unprovoked insult after being given a good natured ribbing and ditching his friend to pick up a chick to his insistence on referring to bumblebee as his car

Arye: I concur! Seriously, though, am I the only one who notices Sam’s severe Nice Guy Syndrome? There are three movies that focus around this douchebag, but he’s probably one of their biggest detracting factors.

Coty: I feel like almost my problems with this film would go away if you just remove this one single component.

Arye: I mean, of course there would still be some, like the fact that each film has enough subplots for, like, FOUR MOVIES, but there are a lot of issues that I have that would be non-issues sans Sam. For example, the lack of development of the soldiers. I thought that they were awesome characters with a great backstory, but it’s hard to convey that when Sam’s hormones are hogging the majority of the movie.

Coty: Honestly you remove him, that takes out one more subplot thus leaving more breathing room.

Arye: Though not a lot, since this is a subplot-packed movie.

Coty: True, but think of the movie as a tray a waiter is trying to balance it has five dishes on one tray, that’s a tricky task. But if one of the patrons had to leave and cancel his order, he now has an easier task to accomplish.

Arye: It would have been hard, regardless, to balance everything in this freaking movie, though. The soldiers, for example, could have been their own movie. And that would have been a good movie. I would have paid to see it. Of course, you also have the super-secret agent men, whose experiences could have been a pretty decent movie, and Makayla, who comes into Transformers like a returning character instead of someone new to the scene.

Coty: Also, speaking of the agent, can we talk about him? I’m a fan of the actor from his appearances on Monk, as Monk’s older (and even more neurotic) brother, but my God was his character terrible! He was ridiculously unprofessional! What with his comments about McKayla and such

Arye: I understand that there are interrogation techniques put into use there that were probably extensively researched, but you have to pull that shit off, and he didn’t.

Coty: I feel like it was something to do with the actor’s delivery. I think if you had someone either trashier or classier it would’ve came off better, but as it stands he comes off like he’s simultaneously trying to be that weird dad who constantly tries in the worst way to relate to young people

Arye: And James Bond. It’s just really awkward, and it made me uncomfortable.

Coty: I feel like if they went all the way in one direction or the other it would’ve worked better. If they snagged like a Timothy Dalton or Bryan Cranston or someone else we could’ve REALLY hit a home run with this guy

Arye: And then he would’ve been awesome! The agent made me laugh sometimes, I’ll admit, but it felt like a cheap laugh at the expense of a potentially good character.

Coty: Also, I literally groaned when Bumblebee just pissed all over him, I thought he was better in his scenes at the Hoover Dam though, I really like the scene where he slips the Motorola phone in the glass case and comments “You’ve got to respect the Japanese, they know the way.. Of the samurai.” And then he turns the machine that makes it a transformer, and I really love the moment after destroying it where it calls it “Like the little bitty energizer bunny from hell.”

Arye: I think that he had his great moments, most certainly. There were certainly moments for almost every character in this movie, my personal favorite being when Jazz asks if Megatron wants a piece of him and then Megatron responds “No, I want two!” before ripping him in half, but moments do not a movie make. Those brief glimmers of awesome don’t save it from the wide array of flaws that it has.

Coty: Yeah, speaking of the actual transformers, what did you think of the voice cast and the designs? I’m a fan of Hugo Weaving, there are moments where you can tell it’s him, but I hate how they made him and all the decepticons look like frickin’ monsters here.

Arye: I was actually really fond of the voice acting, and thought that the designs were amaaaaaaaazing! I’ve worked with the software that they would’ve used to create these bots, and oh my God. That detail. As for the Decepticons, I thought that they looked suitably sinister, especially compared to the much more benign appearing Autobots.

Coty: I agree it’s a good thing they look sinister, but I dislike that chose to make it so obvious. The decepticons always looked intimidating, but they never had jagged teeth and such monstrous voices

Arye: I think that maybe it’s a matter of personal preference here. Personally, I was terrified of Megatron as a kid, and enjoyed seeing him have a look that matched the sinister persona I’d built up for him in my head. Additionally, I thought that the voices were perfect, especially Starscream’s, which had always been nasally and high-pitched to the point of being a detriment in the cartoons.

Arye: I guess it is a matter of preference, but I really loved the look of the autobots, especially Optimus. I think that the Autobots, on their own, had a great look, and that it’s even more stunning when compared to the Decepticons. There was something really clean and streamlined about the Autobots that just exuded this good guy aura that I loved. Comparatively, the Decepticons had a lot of blockinesss and jagged edges that screamed “Don’t fuck with us; we’re the bad guys.”

Coty: Speaking of the differences, they should’ve given the decipticons more different designs from each other, you couldn’t always tell who was who in the movie

Arye: That I’ll give you. I knew which was Megatron because of how humongous he was, but I think that different paint jobs would have done this wonders. They had such distinctive looks and paint jobs in the cartoon, and I would have loved to see that in a real life format.

Coty: I agree, also, while he’s not my personal favorite Optimus, I think Cullen slips into the role like you would a warm bed with a electric blanket on a cold winter night

Arye: Oh most certainly. Optimus has such a very distinctive voice, and fans have a definite expectation of what it’ll sound like. Cullen definitely delivered on that.

Coty: Indeed, and speaking of Optimus, I really appreciated his characterization in this film, when Sam kills Megatron he looks sad about it and even says “I’m sorry my brother.”

Arye: I think that it’s easy to forget that Transformers is about two factions of the same species with different ideas about how to save their dying race, and that Optimus was once friends with Megatron. At that moment, you definitely get the lost friendship feeling.

Coty: Indeed, although speaking of his demise I hate that he was killed the way he was, and I especially hate that his death came at Sam’s hand

Arye: I don’t think that it made much sense to kill him if you’re just going to bring him back. The Decepticons were always getting run off in the cartoon, and I don’t know why Megatron has to become the fucking grimdark equivalent of Jesus Christ for these movies to go forward.

Coty: He was only killed twice, and he hasn’t been confirmed for Part 4 yet. Also, I think killing Megatron in Part 1, made for a good ending if they only got to make one movie, and bringing him back in part 2 really does good for the tone of “OH SHIT! We are FUCKED!” What with killing Optimus AND bringing in Megatron’s boss

Arye: My issue with killing Megatron just to bring him back in Part 2 is that, for me, it cheapened what had been a really great scene in the first movie where I totally believed that Optimus was genuinely sad to see his rival gone. It’s just like “Welp. Those were unnecessary feelings you had there.”

Coty: I like what his death and resurrection do to the films they happen in, but I agree that they don’t work in tandem

Arye: And when you’re making a series of movies, you have to think to yourself “Do these ideas work well together?”

Coty: I make the argument though that when you’re making a trilogy, the other two stories all hinge is the first one financially successful, but granted, they didn’t kill Vader in A New Hope. Another argument I have however, is only the diehard fans genuinely care about these characters

Arye: Come now, Coty. Don’t discount diehard fans. They go to these movies, and that’s a significant amount of revenue. Also! I’m sorry, but the technical flaw present in bringing Megatron back in the second movie is unavoidable, because it’s a huge kink in storytelling.

Coty: Like I said, they didn’t kill Vader in A New Hope, however, they did kill Maul in the Phantom Menace

Arye: My issue with comparing Vader to Maul is that it’s not apples to apples. Maul was a big deal within Phantom Menace, and an awesome villain, but he is not to Star Wars what Megatron is to Transformers by a long shot.

Coty: Yeah, he’s more the Starscream I suppose

Arye: I can go with comparing him to Starscream. My thing with Megatron is that, even though they have other, arguably more powerful villains, he’s an important part of Transformers’ identity as a series. He should not be killed off and brought back to life lightly.

Coty: Agreed, so overall what would you score the movie?

Arye: I’d give it a 2.5 out of 5. Yes, it’s corny and really flawed, but I still find this an enjoyable film.

Coty: I’m gonna give it an even 2 out of 5, this film isn’t great, but Bay has far worse films in his repertoire.

Arye: That’s true.

Coty: I’d say Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II are both worse than this movie. Much worse actually.

Arye: We’re not gonna talk about Pearl Harbor.

Coty: we’re also not gonna talk about Will Smith acting drunk while waving a gun in front of a 15 year old boy while Martin Lawrence watches and says nothing of it.

Arye: No. We’re just gonna pretend that none of that ever happened.

Coty: Good idea.

The Michael Bay Retrospective Series - The Island (2005)

Written In October 2013

There have been many great partnerships in cinema. George Lucas and Harrison Ford. Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro. Christopher and Jonathan Nolan. Joel and Ethan Coen. Andy and Larry/Lana Wachowski.

And then there was Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay.

This director/producer duo managed to churn out both Bad Boys movies, The Rock, Armageddon and Pearl Harbor, this was an alliance the likes of which action cinema had never seen before… Until 2005 when they broke up for good, with Dreamworks Studios’ The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. While I said in my last review that the first movie Bay ever directed was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, I wasn’t truthful, Bay had previously directed his 2001 directorial effort Pearl Harbor, but what was special about the former film and this film is that Texas Chainsaw was his the first time he had input on a film he did not direct, and this was the first one where he didn’t have his best buddy Jerry to guide his hand on either chair. As for the two stars involved?

Well, speaking of George Lucas, Ewan was coming off the last film of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, The Revenge of the Sith. Scarlett Johansson had already been in two critically praised films that year. Sean Penn had already been a bad guy in 2004’s National Treasure, and tried his luck at the mythological film game by playing Odysseus in Wolfgang Peterson’s Troy. Djimon Hounsou, like Scarlett had no real reason to be here either. Well, let’s move on to the plot summary.

The movie begins with McGregor and Johansonn on a boat somewhere in the ocean. The two about to take the other’s hand when Ewan is tackled and thrown overboard by two muscular bald men. We then cut to Ewan emerging from a pool in a dimly lit metallic room with a man saying you are special, you’ve been chosen, The Island awaits you. We see a series images, including an 8 candle on a birthday cake, chemical waste, Ewan on a motorcycle, two signs reading “happy”, flashes of what just happened on the boat we saw, two bald men with green veins on the back, shoulders and scalp, we then see what happened on the boat in rewind ending Ewan laying back on a bed as a blanket covers him and a pillow sliding under his head. Then finally we see Ewan laying peacefully in bed followed by his startled awakening. We see him scanning his room in a panic. His room is blank white with a small table and chairs in front of a window out looking a beautiful view. Ewan looks up and reads a text on a screen on his wall that reads “Good Morning Lincoln Six Echo.” The screen then reads “Erratic REM Sleep Detected”, Lincoln then spies a metallic bracelet on his wrist and pulls something from it. He sits upright on the bed as the computer then tells him to go to a place called the tranquility center. Lincoln then declares he’s fine out of frustration. We see as the opening progresses that Lincoln seems to be forced to lead a very tightly controlled life style. We then find out that Lincoln and many others are part of colony of survivors of some kind of apocalyptic scenario, where only one area of fresh air exists, dubbed The Island. People compete regularly to go to this island in a lottery, the winner this week a gentleman by the name of Starkweather Two Delta (Michael Clarke Duncan). During a scene where Lincoln tries to get bacon with his breakfast but can’t, a woman called Jordan Two Delta (Scarlett Johansson) manages to sweet talk her way into getting the guy some bacon for him, much to Lincoln’s delight.

Later in the day Lincoln heads down to a therapy session with a doctor by last named Merrick (Sean Bean). During his session Lincoln expresses great frustration over his lot in life, from the fact that he’s forced to eat tofu, doesn’t know what the hell tofu is, is constantly forced to wear white, doesn’t know who washes his clothes, and doesn’t get any answers about this. And just wishes he had more to look forward to than just going to in life than just going to the island. After Lincoln tells Merrick about his dreams and draws him a picture of the boat with the name Renovatio on the paper the doctor places a number small sensors on our lead character’s optic nerve to allow them to see what he does. After some brief time working, Lincoln heads down to sector six for some so-called tech support where we meet a supervisor named Mac (Steve Buscemi). It’s here where we realize that Lincoln does not know what pornography, liquor and god are. Suddenly while talking to Lincoln, Mac has to leave. Lincoln decides to head back to work when he finds a moth, which he takes with him in a matchbox. We then cut to Mac during his job where we see a man being cut out of a plastic bag full of water with a breathing apparatus attached to him. The man is checked out by a doctor and then declared A-OK, a mark is burned into his wrist and a bracelet like the ones Lincoln and the other inhabitants wear. We then pan away toward an entire room full of what appear to be adult sized fetuses in the same water filled plastic bags the unnamed man was in. We pan up to a series of tubes they’re attached to leading up to the tubes where Lincoln was just working. We then cut back to Lincoln’s room where he places the moth in his flower vase, staring it with fascination.

Later we see Jordan and Lincoln having MMA style cage match with holographic versions of themselves. Jordan wins, obviously, because she’s Black Widow. As the night progresses Lincoln tells Jordan about the moth he found, he expresses suspicion over how that can be so. Jordan chastises him for only looking for the bad things in life. A little later, Jordan wins the lottery and Lincoln congratulates her.

Later that night Lincoln has another dream where the same man from his last dreams tells him the spiel about the island while two men with gloves cover his face, with flashes of the boat on the ocean, a hand against his window, and the words “obedient”, “stop”, and “lucky”. Lincoln then wakes up. Lincoln then runs back down to tech support with a supervisor key, he frees the moth then travels up the ladder he found it by. At the end of the ladder he finds a white hallway with a glass door in front of him. Lincoln travels through the hallway and finds a room where a pregnant woman from earlier has just given birth to her child. The woman asks if she can hold her baby, the staff gently reply not yet, they then wrap her ankles in restraints as in they inject a poison into her ivy, killing her quickly. We then watch as one of the doctors hands the baby to an interracial couple with a woman who looks exactly like the one who was just killed. We then cut to another room, where Starkwheather Two Delta is undergoing surgery for his liver to be removed. Starkwheather awakens and tries to make an escape but is intercepted. He pleads for his life in a truly horrifying and gut wrenching scene. Lincoln reacts with intense horror etched on his face. Lincoln then makes a mad run back home. Meanwhile Merrick comes by to oversee the incident where the doctor quickly spots Lincoln on the footage of the incident and tries to catch him.

Lincoln once back at the barracks goes to the female tower and tries to get Jordan to come with him since she just won the island. While escaping the duo encounter a room full of people on operating tables with screens over their heads projecting words and images onto their faces with a recording being played, saying the exact words from Lincoln’s dreams. Once out of harm’s way, Lincoln somewhat gladly asks Jordan is she still think there’s an island. Sometime later, we cut to a black room with atmospheric lighting with the front wall being covered with black and white photos, as Merrick exposits about the idea of what they do exactly is. His business partner then approaches him suggesting that they try to make some sales so as to turn their bad day into a great day. Merrick continues to explain what they do, essentially telling us that they create clones. Merrick then greets Albert Laurent (Djimon Hounsou), a French mercenary who’s been hired to track down Lincoln and Jordan.

Lincoln and Jordan find a bar Mac attends frequently based on the matchbox from earlier, Lincoln upon seeing Mac confronts him immediately. Mac then explains to them they are in fact clones and that whatever things they think they remember are actually imprinted on their minds to give them a sort sense of self. He tells them they’re grown for rich people so that they can live longer. Jordan and Lincoln then conclude that they need to confront their sponsors to hopefully find a way to pull the plug on Merrick. Reluctantly Mac agrees to help. Mac escorts them to train station to LA to meet up with Six Echo’s sponsor Tom Lincoln. He warns them when Laurent’s men arrive only to be shot for his trouble.

Meanwhile Merrick begins to grow concerned over the maturity level of Six Echo given that the word on his drawing, Renovatio, is Latin and none of the clones have ever been imprinted with knowledge of Latin. While trying to look up info on their sponsors, Six Echo and Two Delta are flagged by police for Mac’s murder. Laurent informs Merrick of this who does not take the news well, informing him that when they run DNA tests it’ll tie them back to their sponsors and their entire operation goes up in smoke. He then instructs Laurent to use whatever force needed to make sure they are not taken in by the police. Laurent responds in kind, which prompts an exciting on foot/car chase sequence, ending with the two clones stealing a flight scooter and moving off to safety. In the mean time Merrick confronts another clone called Gandu Three Echo (Brian Stepanek) who was a good friend of Six Echo. When talking, Gandu admits he’s suspicious of what’s going on. Merrick then kills Gandu to keep him from letting anyone else in on his suspicions. During the scene though, we get the hint through Merrick’s dialogue and Sean Bean’s delivery of it, that he may be a clone as well. After this we learn that Six Echo has thirty years worth of actual memories in his brain as opposed to just three. Merrick is not pleased.

Meanwhile, we finally meet Tom Lincoln, where we find out that the man designs vehicles for a living and is something a womanizer, who has hepatitis. After seemingly convincing him to help, Tom calls Merrick and tells him that he’ll turn Six Echo in. Two Delta realizes he’s deceiving them through his facial expression. Six Echo tells her that he’ll go she’ll stay behind. The two Lincoln begin driving to NBC when Laurent catches them, leading to another great but brief action sequence, where Tom’s true intentions are shown to Six Echo. At the end of which the two Lincoln’s scuffle with the original being shot and killed by Laurent in a sneaky move by Six Echo. After this, we cut back to Merrick where it’s revealed that the entire Echo generation and all subsequent ones have the same defect as Lincoln, meaning they’ll have to be recalled and destroyed. Thinking he’s Tom, Merrick’s business partner is informed informs Six Echo of this.

The two clones decide to go help their old friends and begin an assault, with Six Echo coming in as Tom and Two Delta being captured by Laurent. The two quickly make their way through the building with Six Echo heading for Sector Six. In the mean time Laurent confronts Merrick noting that both of their careers deal in killing. Merrick insists it’s more than that, with Laurent remarking the simply wishes to become God. Immediately after, Merrick is informed that Tom Lincoln was killed, not Six Echo. We cut back to Two Delta, who having now teamed up with Laurent, frees the clones who were about to be exterminated. Meanwhile however, Merrick confronts Six Echo, inquiring why he came back when he could have just taken over Tom Lincoln’s life. Six Echo destroys the holographic projector and kills Merrick, while the other clones attempt to confront what in God’s name is going on. The film ends with Lincoln and Jordan reuniting while Laurent nods in acknowledgment of them and credits roll.

I’ll just come right and say it, this film is smart. I hesitate to call it intelligent, because I think the bigger the adjective, the stronger the word is, and I don’t feel the need to use an especially strong adjective here. But grammar politics aside, this is not terrible movie, and that is a relief after watching Armaggedon, Pearl Harbor, and Bad Boys II, one after the other. And while I’d say the performances in general are pretty good, by far the best performance I’ve ever seen in a Michael Bay is the one Michael Clarke Duncan gives. When we first see him on the TV screen expressing such joy and delight at the thought of going to the one last place where you can breath in the air and swim in the ocean. And when we next see him, he’s crying, begging and pleading for his life, screaming that he doesn’t want to die. That’s not only powerful on a basic level of not wanting to die, it’s even more powerful when you realize that this man thought he was going to a paradise and is instead being forced to undergo painful surgery with no anesthesia. Poor guy.

Also, this is one of only two movies I’ve seen Djimon Hounsou in, the other being Gladiator, and I gotta say he does great work here. I gotta say he’s my second favorite character of the movie behind Mac, who I love simply because I love Steve Buscemi. And Sean Bean is fantastic in this film! He’s a great Victor Frankenstein analogue, a scientist who wants to learn the secret to cheating death and in the process winds up killing himself. And the moment where we see the two Ewan McGregors on screen together is great, where we see all the unique similarities and differences between the two.

Overall, this film was a nice relief from the three craptastic movies I’d just endured. I’m giving The Island a 4.5 out of 5.

The Michael Bay Retrospective Series - Bad Boys II (2003)

Written In October 2013

And now we come to what is considered to be Michael Bay’s second worst movie, right smack dab between Revenge of the Fallen, and my last review, Pearl Habor. We’ve come to Bad Boys II, starring once again Martin Lawrence, Will Smith and Joe Pantolliano, along with Gabrielle Union, Peter Stormare, and Jordi Molla. For some historical perspective, let’s take a look at what some of these guys were up to at the time.

The original Bad Boys was released in 1995, since then, Will Smith had become a super star, starring in blockbusters like Independence Day, Men in Black, Enemy of the State and Men in Black II, and had even been nominated for an Oscar with Michael Mann’s Ali, a biographical film of the famed boxer Muhammad Ali. The Will Smith we know and love today had just arrived, and he had arrived in spectacular fashion. But what of funny man, Martin Lawrence? Well, while his filmography may not be quite as prolific as his costar, he’d been in some pretty damn noteworthy projects as well. Just four years after Bad Boys the man got to costar with African-American comedy legend, Eddie Murphy in a film called Life. He released his biggest claim to fame, Big Momma’s house. And he’d even gotten to do his second stand-up film in 2002's Martin Lawrence Live: Runteldat. Yes, I’d say it would be fair I said that Lawrence had arrived as well. And while Joe Pantolliano, who played the thankless role of Captain Howard in both films, was still just a lowly character actor, he had gotten to do a few more note worthy things since the last movie. He’d returned to another role as Deputy Marshal Cosmo Redfro in US Marshalls, who originally played 1993’s The Fugitive. He’d also given the critics a one two punch and helped launched the careers of three prolific directors with The Wachowski Brothers’s (now brother and sister) The Matrix and Christopher Nolan’s Memento. He’d even done a couple of lesser known roles such as voicing the penguin Martini in Fox’s Christmas Special, Olive the Other Reindeer, and Ben Urich in 2003’s Daredevil also made by Fox. And if you’ve read my other four reviews, you know exactly what Michael Bay was doing.

Interestingly, this was also a big year for Michael Bay in that it marked the beginning of Michael Bay’s Producing credits, starting with 2003’s remake of the 1974 horror movie classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which was massacred two more times there after with 2006’s prequel The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Begining, and this year’s second reboot Texas Chainsaw 3D. But I’m not here to chat about Michael Bay remaking movies I never saw to begin with, no, I’m here to chat about movies directed by Michael Bay, so let’s get to the plot summary.

The movie starts with a kind of neat opening credits sequence showing how illegal drugs are made and shipped. During this, we meet Tactical Narcotics Team Leader (Henry Rollins) of a drug raid on Ku Klux Klan rally, where we are reintroduced to our heroes, Detectives Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence) and Mike Lowery (Will Smith). When the detectives break their cover to jump on the Klansmen, their radios go faulty leading to one Klansman pulling a gun on Marcus. Mike trash talks long enough for a separate Klansman to try to shoot Mike, Marcus quickly warns him in time to dodge the shot and fire at the two Klansmen, freeing is partner. We get our first action sequence where Mike accidentally shoots Marcus across his rear end. After the shootout, it’s revealed that the raid only scored two sandwich baggies of blue meth, much to Rollins chagrin. We then cut to our main villain, a cartel boss, who implores his crew to change the schedule so that the cops won’t catch their shipments again.

After this, we get a brief sequence at a club, where the owner (Peter Stormare) is chatting up the cartel guy from on the phone, and has to briefly hang up to drop out a guy who’d just OD’d on meth. We then head to Marcus’s home where we meet his sister Syd (Gabrielle Union) who we find out is dating Mike, without Marcus’s knowledge. We also find Marcus is keeping a secret of his own, he’s being transferred to another city, and isn’t like to be seeing much of dear old Mike. We then find that Marcus is growing tired of Mike, and feels that his status a family man is threatened whenever he comes over to hang out. When we hear from Mike’s informant that there’s a job for them, we cut to drug running facility where we see that Syd is apparently working for the drug runners as a money launderer. Though the partnership does not come off as an easy alliance.

We then watch Syd ride to a drop off that is quickly interrupted by another group of felons who then try to hold them up which starts a thrilling action set piece through the highway. When Marcus and Mike finally catch up to her and save the woman, we find out that Syd is an undercover agent who’s been working the case for five months. Marcus being Marcus, reacts childishly. After getting chewed out by their captain, the boys head over to Mike’s informant for the whereabouts of the drug lord they’re after, when the junkie refuses the boys cause some destruction of property to convince him otherwise. Taking the hint, he gives the boys what they wanted. The boys follow the hint and engage in a shoot with some Haitian gang bangers, when only one is left, they interrogate him and snag their leader’s video cam. They take it to an electronics store to get the footage off of it, leading to quick bit of humor when the owner’s son accidentally puts porn footage on all of the store’s TV. And then more humor, when the video room is put on the TVs while Marcus explains to Mike that the shot in the ass caused nerve damages preventing him from getting an erection, the exchange is said in a manner which out of context sounds like them recounting their latest sexual experience together.

After their latest hijinks, the boys head back to the station where we find out the name of their target is Johnny Tapia, they tap his phone lines and manage to find his address through a call to pest control. The boys head over disguised as exterminators. While planting wires in the house to observe Johnny, we discover that Marcus has terrible fear of rats, which causes him to almost blow their cover repeatedly. Meanwhile, Johnny begins a sit down with Alexei, the Russian club owner from earlier. We then find, Johnny won’t be listening much, and Alexei won’t be saying much, because Johnny is uninterested in negotiating. Alexei quickly does what is requested of him, through much reluctance.
The boys are soon found out thanks to Mike, so the duo book it with a man’s severed finger and a full basket’s worth of paper shreddings, which they give to their department people for analyses. They then approach two rival department members to get the tapes from their wire tapping, causing us to later learn that Syd is dating Johnny as part of her cover, much to Mike and Marcus’s unamusement. They quickly confront her where Marcus theorizes that the DEA only only approached her because she’s attractive. Mike then humbly offers that the three of them work together which Syd agrees to do. There after Marcus explains to Mike that all the men Syd has ever dated were dumb lunkheads who barely knew how to wipe their own behinds, Mike reacts with great discomfort. Following this, in order to get some info they confront one of the white supremacists from earlier in the film, who goes by the name of Floyd Poteet (Michael Shannon). While at Floyd’s dock with Syd, she and Mike admit to Marcus that they are in a relationship, Marcus eventually admits he does not find Mike worthy of courting his sister, much to Mike’s heartbreak. We then enter another chase creating an action sequence where the boys not only fail to retrieve the cargo containing more meth, but lose their only witness during a struggle between him and Mike. After all this, Mike takes a somewhat deserved grilling from Captain Howard about the destruction of property and the overall PR nightmare that he and Marcus are causing him. Marcus then finally admits he’s taking a transfer out the department and after the case doesn’t want to be Mike’s partner anymore.

After a quick scene where the boys patch things up over putting the fear of God into a 15 year old boy set to take Marcus’s daughter on a date, they head over to a morgue owned by Johnny Tapia for an unsanctioned drug search. The boys walk away with they’d searched for, but in a freak accident, Marcus winds up accidentally taking some meth, making cause for further hijinks as Mike informs the Captain of their discovery at his home. We come to our climax where Alexei returns for vengeance, Syd is found out by Johnny, and the cops begin an assault on Johnny’s morgue. Alexei is quickly taken out by DEA members, but Syd is kidnapped. Meanwhile, Mike and Marcus encounter a brief hiccup on their end that quickly leads to a triumph. When hearing about his sister however, Marcus wants to go after his Tapia for his sister. While the DEA members say they can’t do this officially, they reason they can stage an off the books mission. So our duo head for Tapia’s base of operations in Cuba with a motley crew comprised of members of the Miami Police Department Narcotics Division, DEA, and CIA, the last one there at the personal request of Captain Howard. We find out once in Cuba that this rescue mission will be even trickier, given that Tapia is best buds with Castro and uses the military like personal security.

We get our final action sequence with the Bad Boys running through Tapia’s mansion, grabbing Syd and a Hummer H2, running through Cuba with Tapia in hot pursuit and landing on the outskirts of Guantanamo Bay. Marcus and Syd manage to get to safety, but Tapia catches up to Mike, putting a gun to his head. Syd tosses her weapon onto a mine causing it to blow Tapia’s henchman to hell. Marcus uses this moment to blow Tapia’s brains out, in a scene mirroring the beginning of the movie. The credits start, but we get a quick scene back at Marcus’s home with our Bad Boys chatting up when Marcus’s dog breaks the pool Mike bought for him. The two laugh it off singing the wrong words to Bad Boys by Inner Circle and credits role.

For most the movie, while I didn’t think it was anything special, I thought it was fun and entertaining. While I thought some jokes were poorly handled and a lot of scenes didn’t really seem to go anywhere, I really didn’t have a huge problem with it. In his review for the film, the late great Roger Ebert noted he had an issue with the scene in the film where Marcus begins patting down his daughter’s date and starts interrogating him, Mike then barges in on the scene with a bottle of liquor in his hand and joins in on the interrogation for the sake of winning his friend back, at one point Mike pulls out his weapon and waves it around the boy pretending to be drunk. He does this for the sake of intimidating the poor boy. The men even go so far as to legitimately threaten him, and ask if he was a virgin or if he had ever had sex with a man. The boy replies yes to the first question, and no to the second, Mike then asks in reply to his answer to the second question, if he’d like to. Mr. Ebert expressed wonder about why this scene was in the movie, and even questioned the integrity of Bay, Bruckheimer, and even Martin Lawrence and Will Smith. While I didn’t think that much of the scene at first, I genuinely have to wonder, why did this scene have to exist? Why did we have to watch two men threaten a 15 year old boy for simply trying to take a 15 year old girl to the movies? Especially when the girl’s mother seems to trust him and even think highly of him. But I can let go of one out of place scene that was meant to be comedic, and may even be considered darkly comedic by some people in the context of an R-rated action-comedy intended for mature audiences. But something that really bugs me about this film, is how little Michael Bay really seems to think about certain things. What police department in their right mind, would send two African-American detectives to a drug bust at a rally FOR A FREAKING WHITE SUPREMACIST GROUP! You know they’re going to be armed, you know they’ll be aiming for them in particular, why especially would you send such arrogant men to a rally of people who could hate them so easily just because of their skin color?! But whatever, I can go with that in the context of a movie that I know isn’t supposed to be taken seriously I guess. It’s stupid, but I’ll let it go I suppose. But then, you have a group US agents with city policemen going down to another country’s territory, a country that we are not on good terms with mind you, to rescue another agent, without contacting the US military base stationed there? Are you asking for a death wish? Do you truly want to rescue that agent or just get yourself killed? And you don’t send a team of 40 guys to work with Cuban rebels to rescue said agent, you send 1, maybe 2, maybe even 3 guys to rescue them.

I could go on and on about that ending, but I won’t. This film is stupid in the extreme, it’s redeeming factors are solely it’s action pieces. Say what you will about Michael Bay, but the man can film action very well. Some other pros for the film are things like the chemistry between Smith and Lawrence, they still work great together. And also the fact that Gabrielle Union is nice to look at. My cons for the film that aren’t involving what happens in it, are the fact that Michael Shannon gets wasted again! Come on Bay! Also, the villain, while he can be entertaining, is apparently a well respected actor and director in Spain. If you’re going to the trouble to get a respected foreign actor, use him well, don’t just make him some camp bad guy.

I’m giving Bad Boys II a 1.9 out of 5.

The Michael Bay Retrospective Series - Pearl Harbor (2001)

Written In October 2013

Where to begin with this movie…

I’ve never seen it in full until today, but when I was in tenth grade my teacher showed my class the attack on the harbor. Before he popped the movie in, my teacher reassured us all that it was only going to be that sequence. At that time, I thought it was just another WW2 movie, I didn’t know it was made by the guy who did the Transformers series, I didn’t know it was so hated, I didn’t know it was considered to be such a crappy movie. And when i realized what it was a Michael Bay and that was so controversial, I figured I just wouldn’t watch it… Then I decided to a review series on all the movies directed by Bay, and here we are now. I’ll tell you what I think after a plot summary.

The movie starts with two little boys called Danny and Rafe playing in an old broken biplane who then sneak into the older boy’s father’s actual plane who reacts violently once they get out, only for the younger boy to defend his friend and attack the man calling him a dirty German. The man reacts incredulous to this insult briefly recounting his fight against the Germans in France declaring his hope that no one else ever has to and then sauntering off. Realizing his father meant no harm and may not be fully right in the head, the son goes off to be with his father.

Flash forward to a news reel from 1940 lamenting the US’s refusal to get involved in the new war against the Germans and then another flash forward to ‘41 on a military air base where the two boys from earlier (played by Ben Affleck and Josh Harnett) are now hotshot Air Force pilots. After a quick stunt where the boys nearly destroy the plane and kill themselves, we cut to Affleck being chewed out by his superior officer, Major James Doolittle (Alec Baldwin), where the cadet attempts to BS his way out of this by declaring his and his friend’s stunt to be an homage to Doolittle’s own stunt from his younger days, being done so to inspire their fellow troops. The major declares this “Bullshit, but very good bullshit.” Noting that McAwley (Affleck) reminds him a bit of himself when he was the cadet’s age before getting to the brass tacks and informing him that he’s been accepted by the British into the Eagle Squadron, a group of American volunteer pilots who fight alongside the British against the Germans, and is set to leave next thing tomorrow. There after, Danny asks why Rafe signed up, saying that he doesn’t want his best friend to end like the husk of a man that was his father.

We then cut to a train where a group of nurses are swapping stories about their Air Force boys, one of which is Evelyn (Kate Beckinsale) who gives a story about how in spite his apparent Dyslexia she allowed Rafe to go over seas for combat. There after in an attempt to ask Beckinsale out on a date, Affleck endures a series a vaccine shots causing him to become delirious and then bust his nose. Taken by his flattery the nurse takes him up on the offer, leasing to a courtship of 4 weeks and two days at the time of her train ride. We then have a series of scenes where we further establish just how maddeningly in love they are with each other, only for Rafe to explain to the nurse that he’s headed for the war in Germany with the Brits. The pilot then requests that his love not see him off after be given her scarf for good luck.
We then engage in a series of establishing/introductory scenes where we see Rafe arriving in England, the flyboys and nurses arriving at Pearl Harbor, the White House staff talking about sending more supplies to Russia and the UK, and the Japanese preparing to attack Pearl Harbor. We then have a brief montage of Rafe and Evelyn writing each other. However, we come to a scene where Rafe is seemingly killed in action, leading to Danny break the news to Evelyn, who eventually fall in love out of grief. In the mean time we see the Japanese planning out there attack and working out to prevent the US from coming onto them, US Intelligence Officer Captain Thurman (Dan Aykroyd) isn’t buying it though. Sometime later we have a quick scene where some Japanese spies are going through Pearl Harbor with a device hidden in a mobile radio. Thurman eventually explains to his superiors that he has reason to believe that the Japanese may attack said harbor. His superiors are skeptical and tell him to come back when he has actual info for them. We cut to a montage of the Japanese fleet approaching a Hawaii while the Navy tries to make heads or tails of what’s going on.

Finally it’s revealed that Rafe was alive after all. Through much heartbreak, Evelyn confesses that she and Danny have been seeing each other. Much to Rafe’s betrayal. Rafe then insisted a bar fight with Danny out of his hurt feelings about Evelyn, but make a get away when military police arrive to place them in the brig. We then engage in a montage illustrating the mentality of the Japanese Air Force as they assume they’re attack on the Pearl. Meanwhile, Thurman finally cracks the code and finds that the Japanese are in fact looking for war, and sends out a message that all local bases destroy decoders and burn important files. The Japanese then start their attack, raining heavy fire upon the USS Arizona. Our boys eventually arrive on the scene of the attack hoping to be of some help, as the attack continues destroying most of the fleet. The news of the attack is delivered to president Roosevelt (Jon Voight) where he dramatically reacts with the words “My God! My God!” We cut to Evelyn at the hospital doing her best to save everyone who’s injured and could get to the hospital. We finally get go the air field where our boys start the counterattack. As they get the planes in the air, we see the relationship between Danny and Rafe heal as they act as each other’s wing man. After much fighting the Japanese command inquire with their admiral (Mako Iwamatsu) if they should begin a third wave, the admiral decides against this noting that they’ve now lost the element of surprise. When congratulated on his attack, the admiral laments that he fears all they have done is awaken a sleeping giant. Meanwhile, back at the hospital, Evelyn is forced to pick and choose who can and can’t be saved. We then see the aftermath of this attack as we hear Voight delivering FDR’s Day of Infamy speech. There after we see FDR asking his advisors and the military how to go about an attack on Japan, in so many words they tell him they can’t attack, the president then through great pain stands before his cabinet and says “Don’t tell me, it can’t be done!”

For our final scenes we have Rafe and Danny being assigned to a secret mission stateside by now Lt. Colonel Doolittle. On his way out, Evelyn confronts Rafe, who tearfully lamenting his failed relationship with Evelyn where she explains that she’s pregnant with Danny’s child. Once in California, the boys are both award a silver star and promoted to captain. After a montage of lightening the B25 so that they’d be able to get it off the ground in 467 feet we find out that the mission is to bomb Tokyo and there after land in China. However before the attack can begin they’re detected by the Japanese forcing them to start the plan early and launch the planes from a longer distance than planned. The attack is successful but the landing is not. Rafe lands in Japanese occupied territory in China and is then fired on by patrols. But in a nick of time, Danny arrives firing on the patrol with his plane and then crash landing. Danny emerges from the wreckage with a piece of shrapnel in his neck. Rafe runs to his aid but is stopped by more patrol members. Rafe and the other two members of his plane crew manage to take them out, but Danny dies anyway. Rafe pleads with him to live explaining that Danny is father to be. Danny simply says “No you are.” and then dies. The remaining men are rescued by Chinese rebels.

Once home, Evelyn is broken the bad news and narrates the ending as she and Rafe are awarded with medals each and discharged from the military. The film then ends with the two now wed and with their son named Danny, who Rafe asks if he’d like to go flying with his daddy.

When I got to the attack on Pearl Harbor, I assumed the film was almost over. When it go to the scene with Affleck and Beckinsale I figured it would be end there, but it didn’t… It kept going… And going… And going, until it finally ended at 172 minutes and 34 seconds. The Rock and Bad Boys, say what you will about it, were all as long as they needed to be. I’d argue that Armageddon needed to be longer to really flesh out it’s characters, or really just use it’s time better, but when it ended it felt natural. When this movie ended, I took a sigh of relief that it was finally over. It was becoming painful that this movie was so much longer than it needed to be. But it being overlong isn’t really the only complaint I have. It has too many side characters and side plots that it doesn’t explore. We have the min-subplot with Dan Aykroyd, a mini-subplot with Colm Feore as a US Admiral, a mini-subplot with Mako, a mini-subplot with Cuba Gooding, Jr. as a cook on the Arizona who is trying to earn his respect on the ship, a mini-subplot with Jon Voight as FDR, and a mini-subplot with the airmen. Another issue? With those subplots, none of them really use the talent of their actors to their advantage. And they have a REALLY great cast! Not only do the have the people mentioned above, but they also have Michael Shanon! Those six are some damn great actors!

My only real pros for this film itself are the effects, they early on show the effects war has on people, have some kind of attention to history, and the score by Hans Zimmer is fantastic. More pros for within the film are Kate Beckinsale’s (a British actress) American accent, Harnett and Affleck’s friendship is extremely believable and heartfelt, and Alec Baldwin is a delightful presence in the parts he’s in. However, three big gaping inaccuracies however are:

1. In the film Japanese planes are shown firing on the actual town of Pearl Harbor while all accounts say that they only fired on the actual harbor.
2. Also, in the film it’s noted that because of the US’s trade embargo with Japan, the nation only has 18 months worth of oil left, when oil was one of the few things the US continued to provide Japan with prior to war.
3. And finally, the reason Japan attacked Pearl Harbor was because being allies with Nazi Germany they figured the British would attack them from their south east Asian colonies, knowing that attacking the colonies would likely prompt an attack from the US, so they decided to cripple the US pacific fleet before they had a chance to use it.

Overall, this film’s is nonsensical and overlong and not really worth your time. If you want an opus about a legendary event from the Japanese-US conflict in WW II watch Flags of Our Fathers and Letters from Iwo Jima.

I’m giving Pearl Harbor, a 1.8 out of 5.

Stay tuned folks, I’ll be getting to my review for Bad Boys II next thing tomorrow, hopefully if nothing else we’ll get to see Michael Shannon put to good use.