The Batman Movie Retrospective Series - Batman & Robin (1997)

 Published in November 2014

Short version: It’s crap, but it’s not that crappy.

I’M NOT SAYING IT’S GOOD! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Jesus Christ people, it’s just a movie!

Point taken…

Plot Summary Taken From Wikipedia:

Batman and Robin attempt to stop Mr. Freeze from stealing a cache of diamonds. The super-criminal freezes Robin and flees, notifying Batman that he has 11 minutes to thaw his partner. They learn that Freeze was once scientist Victor Fries, who became dependent on a diamond-powered subzero suit following an accident in a cryogenics lab he was occupying to find a cure for his wife, Nora, who was suffering from a terminal illness called Mac Gregor’s Syndrome.

Meanwhile, botanist Dr. Pamela Isley is experimenting with the strength serum “Venom” to create mutant plants capable of fighting back against mankind’s destruction of flora. To her anger, she discovers that her senior colleague Dr. Jason Woodrue used her Venom samples to transform a diminutive prisoner into the “super soldier" Bane. When she refuses to become the mad scientist’s partner, Woodrue kills her with animal-plant toxins and chemicals. She transforms into the beautiful Poison Ivy and kills Woodrue with a venomous kiss before vowing to use her new powers to establish botanical supremacy over the world.

Alfred Pennyworth’s niece Barbara Wilson makes a surprise visit from England and is invited to stay at Wayne Manor until she returns to university. Alfred is revealed to be suffering from Mac Gregor’s Syndrome. He is, however, in stage 1 for which Mr.Freeze had developed a cure. His wife was in a more advanced stage and Mr. Freeze had yet to find a cure for that.

Ivy arrives in Gotham City with Bane as her henchman. She interrupts a Wayne Enterprises press conference at the Gotham Observatory where a giant new telescope is being unveiled, exhorting Bruce Wayne to implement a proposal that would safeguard the natural environment at the expense of millions of human lives, which Bruce summarily declines. She later appears at the Gotham Botanical Gardens fundraiser, seducing everyone present with her pheromone dust, including the Dynamic Duo, who are there to protect a diamond on auction from Mr. Freeze. When Freeze crashes the event as expected, Ivy is instantly captivated by his "ruthless charm”. Despite being captured by Batman and detained at the Arkham Asylum, Mr. Freeze is released by Ivy.

Ivy then proceeds to turn off Nora Fries’ life support and makes Mr. Freeze believe Batman did it, thereby persuading him that they should kill Batman as well as the society that created him. They plan to turn the observatory’s new telescope into a giant freezing gun to freeze the whole world’s population to death and replace them with Ivy’s mutant plants.

Meanwhile, Robin has become infatuated with Ivy and rebels against Batman, just as the villainess planned. He eventually goes to meet her at her garden hide-out. Ivy’s venomous kiss fails to kill Robin because Batman had prevailed on him to coat his lips with rubber. She tries to drown Robin in her lily pond and entangles Batman in her crushing vines, although they are able to free themselves when Batgirl arrives and traps Ivy in her own floral throne. Having discovered the Batcave and decided to create her own crime-fighting persona with the help of a computer simulation of Alfred with advanced AI, Batgirl reveals herself as Barbara.

When the Trio arrive at the Observatory to stop Freeze, the criminal has already frozen Gotham. Bane attacks Robin and Batgirl, but they incapacitate him and restore him to his original human state. In the battle, the telescope is destroyed, but the two younger heroes save Gotham by repositioning the observatory’s satellites, using their mirrors to reflect sunlight from outer space to thaw the city.

Batman shows Freeze video footage of Ivy’s confession about pulling the plug on Nora, but reveals that he himself restored Nora. He vows that Freeze will be allowed to continue his research at Arkham Asylum to heal Nora. Batman asks Freeze for the cure he created for the first stage of Mac Gregor’s Syndrome for Alfred and Freeze atones for his misdeeds by giving him two vials of the medicine he had developed.

At Arkham, Ivy is joined in her cell by Freeze, who vows to exact revenge on her. Back at Wayne Manor, Alfred is cured and Bruce invites Barbara to live with them and continue helping Batman and Robin fight crime as Batgirl.

On a more serious note, I’ve never understood why this movie is considered the abomination of the two Schumacher films. I mean yeah, Val did better in the role than George did, but c'mon this movie got two out of three bad guys right while the previous one got only half of it’s bad guys right. And by that same criteria, Batman Returns should be considered worse than both movies seeing as how neither of Catwoman nor Penguin were anything like their comic book counterparts. And don’t give me any crap about the Batnipples and the icepuns, especially if you enjoyed this shit

I rest my case… And for fuck’s sake Michelle, have some dignity!

Good God…

PROS:

• Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze. I’m honestly just as surprised as you are, but for what he’s written to do, Schwarzenegger does a pretty good job in the role. I actually found him pretty sympathetic at times, and his intimidating moments… Well, I don’t think they were intimidating, but if I were three I may have…
• George Clooney as Bruce Wayne/Batman. Is this a good performance? No. Is this even a DECENT performance? No. But, I’ll be honest, when he’s not forced to say God awful dialogue, Clooney actually makes for a somewhat compelling presence. Especially in the bit where he’s trying to talk Dick down saying that Ivy is messing with their heads. And for fuck’s sake, look at that chin!
  

  

  
  Tell me this man doesn’t look the damn part!
• Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone, while not particularly great on their own, do have a fair bit of chemistry together. And also have enough good moments alone to not sink their boat completely.
• The Alfred subplot doesn’t work completely, but it’s a nice touch.
• I personally enjoyed much of this film’s camp, it honestly struck me as funny in the same way that Batman ‘66 does.
  

  

  
  HOW DID I MOCK HIM!?! I was complementing this movie!
  

  

  
  Don’t worry, I’m out of pros here, okay?
  

  

CONS:

• Uma Thurman is terrible in this movie, I find her more attractive than Michelle’s Catwoman, but it’s still not a very good performance even without this film’s God awful dialogue.
• This
  

  

  
  Is not Bane.
• Chris O'Donnell’s Dick Grayson does nothing but bitch at Batman in this movie, it’s especially annoying when Bruce has been right pretty much this whole time.
• Alicia Silverstone as Barbara could’ve worked, and making her Alfred’s niece could’ve worked as well, but unfortunately it’s a ball that’s been dropped completely. It also bugs me quite a bit that she’s supposed to be an Englishwoman and she sounds about as much like a California bred Yankee as anyone I know.
• As I’ve mentioned before, this dialogue is TERRIBLE.
• Please welcome, pointless love interest number three!
  

  

  
  Elle Macpherson as Julie Madison!
• They wasted John Glover. You don’t waste John Glover.

So after all that, I’m gonna give Batman & Robin, a 5 out of 10.

That enough vitriol for you people?

The Batman Movie Retrospective Series - Batman Forever (1995)

 Published in November 2014

Well then…

That’s one way to start off a movie, I guess…

(Credit to WouldYouLikeToSeeMyMask for the GIFs)

Plot Summary Taken From Wikipedia:

In Gotham City, Batman stops a hostage situation in a bank caused by Two-Face, the alter ego of the disfigured former district attorney, Harvey Dent. However, Two-Face escapes. Edward Nygma, a researcher at Wayne Enterprises, develops a device to beam television directly to a person’s brain; Bruce Wayne - with whom Nygma is obsessed - rejects the invention, noting that it “raises too many questions”, and Nygma angrily resigns from his position after killing his supervisor Fred Stickley, and forging his suicide note. During a news report, it shows how Harvey Dent became Two-Face: While he was prosecuting Sal Maroni, Maroni threw acid in Harvey’s face while Batman tried to stop him but failed. After meeting Batman-obessesed psychiatrist Dr. Chase Meridian, Bruce invites her to a charity circus event. There, Two-Face and his henchmen storm the event in an attempt to discover Batman’s secret identity, and in the process murder The Flying Graysons, a family of acrobats who attempt to stop him. The youngest member, Dick, survives and throws Two-Face’s bomb into the river.

Bruce assumes responsibility for Dick and allows him to stay at Wayne Manor. Dick then declares his intention to kill Two-Face and avenge his family’s murder, and when he discovers Bruce’s secret identity as Batman, he insists on becoming his partner, “Robin”. Meanwhile, Nygma becomes a criminal known as the “Riddler”, the master of puzzles and quizzes and forms an alliance with Two-Face. The two work together to steal capital for the mass production and promotion of Nygma’s television device. Using his device, Nygma can read and control people’s minds, and steal their intelligence quotient. At a business party, Nygma discovers Bruce’s secret identity. Two-Face then attacks the party and nearly kills Batman, but Robin arrives just in time to save his life. Meanwhile, Chase realizes her love for Bruce surpasses her obsession with Batman, but soon discovers that they are one and the same. However, Two-Face and the Riddler later converge into Wayne Manor. The Riddler enters the Batcave and destroys most of the equipment, and he and Two-Face kidnap Chase, who the Riddler is romantic to, while leaving Bruce another riddle.

After solving the last riddle, Batman and Robin locate the Riddler’s lair, Claw Island, where both are separated upon reaching the island. Robin then encounters Two-Face and manages to beat him to the ground; realizing that he does not have it in him to commit murder, Robin helps the villain back up. Two-Face gets the upper hand and captures Robin. Meanwhile, Batman manages to make his way into the Riddler’s lair, where Robin and Chase are revealed as hostages, bound, gagged with duct tape and held over a watery chasm, giving Batman a choice of saving just one hostage. Batman finds a way to save both hostages, and manages to destroy the brainwave-collecting device, driving the Riddler into a mental breakdown in the process. During the battle, Two-Face falls to his death. The Riddler is finally sent to Arkham Asylum, and Chase is asked to consult on his case. Nygma offers to reveal the identity of Batman to her, but he believes that he himself is Batman, due to his damaged memories. Chase then meets Bruce Wayne outside and tells him his secret is safe. Batman and Robin then continue to protect Gotham City from crime.

I’ve been tapping my index fingers against f and j for the past fifteen seconds just thinking of what to say about this movie… I want to say it’s a good movie but

For years I’ve been saying I like the Schumacher Batman movies more than Burton ones, but now that I’ve seen THIS ONE and the Burton films in their entirety, I realize something

So wrong! This movie isn’t awful, but it’s so not good! I can’t bear it!

Tim Burton, can I just say

I’ll never insult you as a filmmaker ever again… Except for the Planet of the Apes remake, that shit is unforgivable!

PROS

• Val Kilmer does the best he possibly can with this shit script, he doesn’t do as good as Keaton does from a purely acting standpoint, but I think he comes off as more of what I imagine Batman and Bruce Wayne to be. I especially like the scene of him trying to talk to Nygma saying that he’d love to greenlight his project, but he’d like to get some more information about it first, and when Nygma says that he won’t do that, Bruce politely tells him that his project just brings up to many personal objections for him so he’s gonna have to say no. Much respect Val, thanks for trying!
• Chris O'Donnell doesn’t bring a lot to the table as Dick Grayson, but he makes the guy pretty likable while also bringing out Dick’s cockiness and his flirtatious nature with women. He acquits himself well in the scenes where he’s performing gymnastics and parkour, and he does a good job of conveying the attitude of a guy who’s usually pretty cocksure and arrogant suddenly going through a bout with depression. Not bad Chris, not bad at all.
• Jim Carrey’s Edward Nygma is way too kooky for my taste, but that kookiness is used to excellent effect as The Riddler. You can pretty clearly see this character is ground zero for what Guy Pearce and Jamie Foxx would later be seen doing in Iron Man 3 and Amazing Spider-Man 2, and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about
  

  

• Elliot Goldenthal comes out with a pretty decent score here, his themes are nowhere near the greatness that came from Burton, but it’s still pretty good, have a listen. Not bad right?
• While Tommy Lee Jones’s Two-Face is usually kind of insufferable in this film, there’s this brief moment where he makes a far more lucid statement, he’s about to kill Dick, Bruce, and Dr. Chase, when Bruce tells he hasn’t flipped his coin to make the call to kill them or not yet, and Harvey thanks Bruce for that, and quickly tells him that he always a good friend. I feel like if he were in a better film, Jones could’ve been a kick ass Harvey Dent, but as is, this character and this actor are underserved.
• Jones and Carrey have terrific chemistry together, and are pretty hilarious as a team.
• Michael Gough still excels as Alfred, and he does a good job of trying to lift Dick’s spirits after his family dies.

CONS

• If this movie is supposed to be a direct sequel to Tim Burton’s Batman films and not a standalone piece, then this Bruce Wayne is a fucking hypocrite. Honest to God, you went out of your way to kill at least two super villains, and did kill numerous henchmen, and in some pretty fucking brutal ways!
• Tommy Lee Jones’s TwoFace is irritating as hell.
• Nicole Kidman’s Dr. Chase Meridian is a useless character who adds nothing to film.
• Jim Carrey’s Nygma is a pretty obvious suspect, especially with his clearly over the top crocodile tears.
• The death of the Flying Graysons is needlessly over the top, and should’ve been played much straighter.
• Alfred and Dick clearly saw each other in the Batcave, how the hell did he manage to let Dick get away with the Batmobile?
• I understand that Bruce Wayne has to keep up his public image in order to avoid suspicions that he is Batman, but with two major villains out on the loose, should you really be trying to shack up with Chase?
• “I’ve never been in love before.”
  

  

  
  Fuck you too Mr. Wayne.

Overall, this film wasn’t as much of a chore as I made it out to be, but it’s still kinda fuckin’ terrible. I’ve seen worse movies, and I’ve seen worse Batman movies (although of the animated variety), so I’m gonna give Batman Forever, a 4.5 out of 10.

Is it bad? Yes. Is it an abomination? No. Did I review the other two movies? Yes And Yes. So please join me when I examine the true abomination that we know and love, referred to only as…

Stay tuned!