Written In July 2015
Watching this film in preparation for Justice League: Gods And Monsters is like filing your damn taxes in hopes of that big ass $500 return. It’s tedious as fuck, it’s not enjoyable at all, but you’re hoping that it’ll lead to something much much better and more entertaining, and God almighty do I hope that movie is good! As for this movie though?
Well… I’ve definitely seen worse from DC Animation
Much
Much
Worse
So I guess there’s that…
Plot Summary Taken From IMDb:
While Damian Wayne struggles to cope with Batman’s no-killing rule, he soon starts to believe that his destiny lies within a secret society known as, The Court of Owls.
You know what’s a comic series I loved?
You know what’s another comic series I loved?
This movie was supposed to be based on both of those volumes and guess what?
They fucking fucked it up!
The Talons are boring antagonists, the Court of Owls aren’t even remotely threatening, the “Get the hell out of my cave!” Scene wasn’t nearly as badass as it was in the comic, the main Talon had potential as he was done here but that was completely wasted as it would turn out. So congrats J.M. DeMatteis and Jay Olivia, you squandered epic source material to make a crappy ass movie!
And that’s not me saying it, that’s Commissioner Gordon saying it! He lived through this shit, he knows what he’s talking about!
PROS:
- In terms of animation and backgrounds, this movie does a good job of setting up it’s atmosphere, kudos to you Oliva.
- The action throughout the film is pretty well done, I’m not always fond of why the fights are happening (we’ll get to that later) but I can never say I’m bored by the actual fighting.
- I like how the movie starts with Damian doing some detective work, we saw in Son of Batman that he was a little hothead (and he still is here) but now we see he’s actually got some brains rattling around in there and he knows how to actually use them, good job little guy!
- Everything relating to the Dollmaker is fucking fantastic! It’s creepy as hell for one, and two, the Dollmaker himself comes off as a suitably disgusting character that you still can’t help but feel sorry for. Which is an especially a great feat when you realize he’s voiced by freaking Weird Al Yankovic! MVP right here guys!
- I appreciate the very brief moment where Damian is trying talk himself out of killing the Dollmaker, repeating Bruce’s advice about prioritizing justice over vengeance.
- I like the very brief scene of Batman comforting the kidnapped children, that felt pretty in character.
- The early bonding scenes between Bruce and Damian are really good, I like the two of them talking about Charles Dickens and Bruce letting Damian having his own bowl of popcorn when they watch that western together.
- I like the idea of having Dick babysit Damian and I love how we get a little Starfire reference, I just wish it didn’t contain a pointless fight scene between Robin and Nightwing or further awkward attempts from DC Animation at being adult by making frank references to sex.
- On paper I really like the idea of Talon mentoring Damian and trying seduce him to the dark side so to speak, in practice I don’t really think it works, but I think it could’ve worked with a better writer than J.M. DeMatteis
- I have mixed feelings about the blonde chick Bruce is dating being the grandmaster, but on the positive side I think it’s an interesting twist, and it’d make sense to get close to such a valuable target. Plus, if Bruce isn’t 100% about joining the Court, you can just drop the bomb that you’re a member and think that him joining could only benefit the world and Gotham City.
CONS:
- I think there are times where this movie just doesn’t know what to say or what not say. There are bits of dialogue that either feel tacked on or were in the right ballpark but still off the mark. When Batman shows up in the middle of Damian’s fight with Dollmaker’s army of child soldiers with weaponized limbs, Damian says he doesn’t need any help, and Bruce repeats a sassy remark Damian gave him earlier. Or when Damian looks like he’s about to kill Bruce, Bruce just yells at him to kill him already if it’s really what he wants. These are both lines that just should’ve been omitted honestly.
- I really hate how when Bruce finds Damian standing over Dollmaker’s dead body, and Bruce asks Damian what he did, Damian just says “figure it out for yourself.
- Damian how do you expect Bruce to trust you more if you keep sneaking out, especially after he thinks you killed someone!
- Dick why do you think it’s a good idea to egg on your opponent when they’re a trained assassin that happens to be a temperamental child?
- Alfred you know better than to do something as stupid as lower security so Damian can get through! What kind of idiot are you J. M. DeMatteis?
- You know if this story is focusing on Damian, why’re you giving us a flashback about Bruce? Also, why’re you implying that the court of owls actually did kill Bruce’s parents? Who do you think you are? Tim Burton?
- Lets get down to the brass tacks here, a fight between Batman and Robin is pointless! I mean an argument is one thing, a physical skirmish is one thing, but a film where the entire premise leads to Batman and Robin duking out is pointless, especially when the Robin in question is a ten year old boy!
- At the end of the film Bruce and Damian decide to part ways because Damian can’t figure out who he is, admitting that he’s so confused by what Bruce, Thalia, and Ra’s have all taught him. Here’s the thing kiddo- No fuck that, here’s the thing J.M DeMatteis, HE’S FUCKING TEN YEARS OLD! NOBODY KNOWS WHO THE FUCK THEY ARE AT TEN! NOBODY CARES WHO THE FUCK THEY ARE WHEN THEY’RE TEN YEARS OLD! I know Damian isn’t exactly a normal ten year old, but he’s still a ten year old boy! And the fact that Bruce says Damian isn’t really a child only serves to irritate me further.
Overall, Batman Vs. Robin is a waste of time. Mine, yours, everyone’s. It didn’t anger me as much as the above three films did, but it’s almost there. I’m gonna the film a 4.7 out of 10
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